We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
