and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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