I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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