i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
