Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
