She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize