Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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