Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
