He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize