I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
