Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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