I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
This is the high leading the old right now
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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