i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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