There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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