there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
