You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
