Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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