even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
