remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
