I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
