That's when you crack a 10am beer
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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