i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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