I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
