Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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