you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
