The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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