There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
