We need to rekindle our bromance
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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