I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
We have started to decorate penises.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
