i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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