The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
