Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
