i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
