Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize