I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
This baby is an asshole
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
