turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
