Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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