i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
my being single is dangerous.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
