You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
