Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
