Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
