ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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