I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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