I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
