I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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