I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
