yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
