I cannot find my penis.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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