Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
North Korea, Best Korea!
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
