Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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