how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
