Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
