I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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