Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
