So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
