so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
