i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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