I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize