So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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