you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
