I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
