shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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