Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
