Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
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