I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Randomize