And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
