I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Hippo gnu deer
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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