Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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